@TheRealPilau
@simoncholland
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
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@simoncholland
@TheTimmyToes
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
@Whatevah_Amy
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
@Thynebear
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
@Tmoney68
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
@Dawn_M_
The best thing about hand sanitiser is that when you put it on, it looks like you are plotting to take over the world.
@angeliav68
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
@bornmiserable
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
@TheCatWhisprer
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
@jonnysun
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me