game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
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do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Oh. My. God.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program