Me: I’d kill for a donut

Krispy Kreme assistant: Please use cash

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My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.


If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.


“You’ve got a friend in me.”

– Cannibals, probably


If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.


The best thing about hand sanitiser is that when you put it on, it looks like you are plotting to take over the world.


Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..


ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you


Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.


me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me