@TheRealPilau

Me: I’d kill for a donut

Krispy Kreme assistant: Please use cash

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@simoncholland

My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.

@Whatevah_Amy

If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

@Thynebear

“You’ve got a friend in me.”

– Cannibals, probably

@Tmoney68

If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.

@Dawn_M_

The best thing about hand sanitiser is that when you put it on, it looks like you are plotting to take over the world.

@angeliav68

Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..

@bornmiserable

ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you

@TheCatWhisprer

Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.

@jonnysun

me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me