Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
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Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?