Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
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Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
The 4 stages of a family vacation