Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
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Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
I’m no architect, but I don’t think it’s possible to build a city on rock and roll.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
911: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: I’m bleeding profusely.
911: Sir, this line is reserved for joke formats.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
All human beings are threads interwoven in the great tapestry of life, except for that one guy at your office. What the hell is his problem?
I am a woman, hear my eyes roll.