me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
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News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
cat vs inanimate object
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?