@clichedout

me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies

cashier: they’re $5 a piece

me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00

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@calvinstowell

Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.

@bartandsoul

Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting

@CountGripsnatch

I’m no architect, but I don’t think it’s possible to build a city on rock and roll.

@rebrafsim

Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11

@Browtweaten

friend: you should be more spontaneous

me: *opens planner* when?

@RobocopLust

911: 911. What’s your emergency?

Me: I’m bleeding profusely.

911: Sir, this line is reserved for joke formats.

Me: …

@MeemawKate

“Are you still watching?”

Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.

@TheTweetOfGod

All human beings are threads interwoven in the great tapestry of life, except for that one guy at your office. What the hell is his problem?