me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
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Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
This is my favorite one of these!
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out