I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
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Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.