Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
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me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know