ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
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Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks