Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
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how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
nobody’s gonna understand
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
starting a garage orchestra
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5