My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
me: i’d like help with my taxes
accountant: ok what state will you be filing them in?
me: i’d say anxious
accountant: no i mean what state have you lived in this year
me: oh sorry, depressed
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When you unfollow me, I find your name on a Coke bottle, shake it up, put it back on the shelf and whisper “suck it” under my breath.
Wife: Are you doing what I asked?
Me: Of course I am *vacuum noises*
Wife: Did you just text “vacuum noises”?
Me: *dialtone noises*
i feel bad for crabs because they can never eat a sandwich they’ll just keep cutting it into smaller pieces every time they try to hold it
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
I bet aliens would visit us more if Will Smith didn’t punch them in the head as soon as they got here.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you