me: i’d like help with my taxes

accountant: ok what state will you be filing them in?

me: i’d say anxious

accountant: no i mean what state have you lived in this year

me: oh sorry, depressed

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My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition


When you unfollow me, I find your name on a Coke bottle, shake it up, put it back on the shelf and whisper “suck it” under my breath.


Wife: Are you doing what I asked?

Me: Of course I am *vacuum noises*

Wife: Did you just text “vacuum noises”?

Me: *dialtone noises*


i feel bad for crabs because they can never eat a sandwich they’ll just keep cutting it into smaller pieces every time they try to hold it


What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?

“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly


I bet aliens would visit us more if Will Smith didn’t punch them in the head as soon as they got here.


Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.


My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.

She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂


me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you