Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
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I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Dead
Alive
Other✔
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER