Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
You Might Also Like
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale