I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
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Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.