If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
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Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
My neighbour’s son is trying to put whipped cream on his cat. I’m thinking he overheard something last night that he wasn’t supposed to.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
If you ever need 15 minutes of peace and quiet from texting, tell her to send a selfie.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
[loses house key, starts a new life]