@AnnietheNanny1

Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.

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@sixfootcandy

Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?

Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.

@extranapkins

Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants

@robin_991

How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.

@isabelzawtun

“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles

@DaddyJew

Cashier: how would you like to pay?

Me: with my good looks if possible

Cashier:

Me:

Cashier:

Me: credit

@NYC_Blonde

Do men prefer straight or curly hair? Need to know so I can tell my roommate the opposite and then try to steal her boyfriend.

@justabloodygame

*singing scales*
Do, Re, uh…
*calls Lionel Ritchie*
“Hey”
Hello!
“What comes after Do & Re on a music scale?”
Is it Mi you’re looking for?

@ExtraGrumpyCat

This year I’m going to put the mistletoe in my back pocket, so people I hate can kiss my ass.

@slimmy_shady

23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List

@DarthPutinKGB

Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.