@AnnietheNanny1

Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.

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@longwall26

If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them

@1evilidiot

Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.

@EtobicokeErnie

My neighbour’s son is trying to put whipped cream on his cat. I’m thinking he overheard something last night that he wasn’t supposed to.

@badbanana

Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.

@elvisknievil

If you ever need 15 minutes of peace and quiet from texting, tell her to send a selfie.

@GrantTanaka

this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great

@TheWoodenslurpy

[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.

@AKcrazy18

I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”