Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
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Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco