@JustMeTurtle
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
@TheAlexNevil
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
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@JustMeTurtle
@sophxthompson
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
@TheNYAMProject
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
@WhaJoTalkinBout
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
@JennyJohnsonHi5
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
@omgthatspunny
The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line.
@Sophie2078
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
@LurkAtHomeMom
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
@ConanOBrien
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
@aka_fatman
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.