Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?

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If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.


I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.




boys love girls who go barefoot in the summer and comment on the texture of grass and say “ouch rocks” when walking on rocks


Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.


Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.


Me: ssshhh it’s still nighttime look the sun is still sleeping
5yo: the sun doesn’t sleep, mum, the earth rotates and the sun’s on the other side
5yo: you don’t know anything, do you


My Tinder Bio: If my cats hate you, we won’t be dating.

*secretly knows my cats hate everyone*