Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@itsalishababyy

This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.

@pplwtching

If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.

@naughtywriter2

I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.

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@littlestp123

boys love girls who go barefoot in the summer and comment on the texture of grass and say “ouch rocks” when walking on rocks

@BuckyIsotope

Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.

@tinynietzsche

Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.

@3sunzzz

Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.

@itsallbollocks

Me: ssshhh it’s still nighttime look the sun is still sleeping
5yo: the sun doesn’t sleep, mum, the earth rotates and the sun’s on the other side
Me:
5yo: you don’t know anything, do you

@MissColdHeart9

My Tinder Bio: If my cats hate you, we won’t be dating.

*secretly knows my cats hate everyone*