Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
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My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
me refusing to leave twitter
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.