@RdrJay47

Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.

Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.

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@JustDontBugMe

[During an ultrasound scan]

Doctor:The baby looks fine.

Mom:See? that’s your baby sister in there!

3:What??Mom, why did you eat the baby?

@jeffporper

An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.

@InternetHippo

LUCY: Dad, how did I get my name?
[flashback]
ME (signing contract in blood): Ok but can we at least shorten it?
LUCIFER: That’s fine

@Parkerlawyer

I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”

Me, “*You’re.”

May have lost a new client but they learned something today.

@burgerkrang

men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner

@EyeSeeYou619

Skrillex sounds like that time I threw a bag of beer bottles into an empty dumpster & a homeless dude yelled jibberish at me for waking him.

@Bob_Janke

Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.

@TommyKarate

In extremely rare cases women have been known to sleep with me.