Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
You Might Also Like
[During an ultrasound scan]
Doctor:The baby looks fine.
Mom:See? that’s your baby sister in there!
3:What??Mom, why did you eat the baby?
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
LUCY: Dad, how did I get my name?
ME (signing contract in blood): Ok but can we at least shorten it?
LUCIFER: That’s fine
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Skrillex sounds like that time I threw a bag of beer bottles into an empty dumpster & a homeless dude yelled jibberish at me for waking him.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
In extremely rare cases women have been known to sleep with me.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose