me: i’d like to buy a data storage system

assistant: hard drive

me: yes the freeway was gridlocked

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My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.


Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?


[before quarantine]

me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”

[5 weeks in quarantine]

me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”


Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.

Good times!


ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.

NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?

ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.


My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.


My sister just had a baby and she seems to have forgotten all about my problems.


Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!


LION: Lions don’t lose sleep over the opinion of sheep.

SHEEP: Shaun thinks your mane looks ridiculous.

LION: *upset* Shaun said that?