me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
You Might Also Like
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.