me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
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That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”