ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
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According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Who did it better?
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.