@sonictyrant

me: i’d like to buy that jacket for my wife
store assistant: single breasted?
me: no she has two

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@JosesLovesYou

You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children

@AmericanGent69

*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?

@nevels_kendyle

Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?

Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*

@MrEd_EVH

Me – I’m not in the mood to work today

My bank account – you better GET in the mood

@JohnLyonTweets

To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.

@hellohappy_time

3rd base is actually watching a horror movie then looking up theories about the ending on message boards together

@sixfootcandy

My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.

@henchbeaver

I once ate Thanksgiving dinner in a friend’s sex dungeon.

I think about this often.