me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
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I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat