Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
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birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
True
oppen heimer style lol
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”