Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’

Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’

Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’

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Bf and I are on 2 completely different emotional planes right now.

Work faster, whiskey.


[if my cat tweeted]

When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.


Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.


Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.

Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.


My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.

I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.


Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?

Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.


Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record


Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”


I lost 50 pounds by having my wallet stolen in London AND YOU CAN TOO