@mack44_d

Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’

Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’

Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’

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@KaptainKoRnie

Bf and I are on 2 completely different emotional planes right now.

Work faster, whiskey.

@SadieSkyNinja

[if my cat tweeted]

When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.

@amydillon

Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.

@AimeeHelene1

Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.

Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.

@asaltiercorpse

My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.

I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.

@NewDadNotes

Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?

Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.

@Michael1979

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record

@BrettDruck

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”

@ZachXJ

I lost 50 pounds by having my wallet stolen in London AND YOU CAN TOO