@KaptainKoRnie
Bf and I are on 2 completely different emotional planes right now.
Work faster, whiskey.
@mack44_d
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
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@KaptainKoRnie
@SadieSkyNinja
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
@amydillon
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
@AimeeHelene1
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
@asaltiercorpse
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
@NewDadNotes
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
@TheToddWilliams
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
@Michael1979
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
@BrettDruck
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
@ZachXJ
I lost 50 pounds by having my wallet stolen in London AND YOU CAN TOO