ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
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Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*