ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
You Might Also Like
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
water it, i dare you
How it started: How it’s going:
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.