Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
You Might Also Like
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Children of the corn 🌽
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.