Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
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I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me