me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
You Might Also Like
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown