Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
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Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
doing your own taxes
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.