@truegritrumble

ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.

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@MsSkarsgaard

Lick it. LICK IT FASTER!

– parents who let their kids have ice cream cones in the car

@BrassBallsCJ

Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!

@GorillaNipples1

[after dinner]

Me: I can’t eat another bite.

Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*

@ItsAndyRyan

I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.

@JohnLyonTweets

Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.

@robfee

The Ghostbusters are women?! This totally compromises the integrity of a story about battling evil marshmallows while dressed like a janitor

@Jmboyd58

2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.

2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!