ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.

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– parents who let their kids have ice cream cones in the car


Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!


[after dinner]

Me: I can’t eat another bite.

Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*


I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.


Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.


The Ghostbusters are women?! This totally compromises the integrity of a story about battling evil marshmallows while dressed like a janitor


2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.

2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!