ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
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My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.