@kiel_phillips

ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang

SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?

ME: I have no idea

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@AmericanGent69

Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest

Sir, you’re going to have to leave.

Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill

@_mascaragirl

*Astronaut takes a photo of Earth from space*

Earth: “Delete it.”

@deLusticious

Do not drink and drive..

because there are people out there who text and drive…

and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!

@djdarrellripley

Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!

Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?

Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..

@_sanshandle

I’m not an animal expert but feeding your pet chimp Chinese food doesn’t seem right. Then again, neither does owning a pet chimp.

@mattZillaaaa

I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.

@UnFitz

I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.

@SwedishCanary

Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…

@_elvishpresley_

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba

@DirtMcTurd

When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.