Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
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*Astronaut takes a photo of Earth from space*
Earth: “Delete it.”
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
I’m not an animal expert but feeding your pet chimp Chinese food doesn’t seem right. Then again, neither does owning a pet chimp.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.