Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
You Might Also Like
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.