Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
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Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
❤️🦆
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.