What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
“Is it in a barn?”
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
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My friend’s crazy, he left a bunch of chocolate balls on the floor in his cat’s litter box, they’re not that good.
“I’m so sick of this life”
* sees preview for next life*
“Yeah.. That’s not gonna work for me either.”
My cat just meowed and it sounded like he said “ugh” and I’ve never agreed with him more
Not to brag, but according to this food packaging I just ate enough fancy cashews to serve 638 people.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Cops: You were driving while intoxicated
Me: I was in no condition to walk
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
im surprised we havent got nuked yet