Me: I’d like to see your music zebras

Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day

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ME: *falls in love only w/ people who are mean to me* Why does this keep happening
GOD: *points to me* Make that one an idiot


friend: Try this
me[takes drink] It’s wine
friend: Did you detect a hint of anything?
friend: But what did it taste like?


ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?

GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?


Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.

Emmy: That’s cool.

Oscar: Wow, interesting.

Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…


I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.


My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.

As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.


– If you insinuate that I’m fat again, I’m leaving you!
– Don’t be selfish, think about the baby.
– What baby?
– Oh, so you’re not pregnant?


Out of curiosity, where were you all thinking of moving after you’re done destroying the Earth? ‘Cause I assume you’ve thought that through.


I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.