@mrjohndarby

Me: I’d like to see your music zebras

Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day

You Might Also Like

@ClichedOut

What should we call our new store?

“Will we sell pottery?”

No.

“Is it in a barn?”

No.

“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”

Hell, I love it Carl.

@parker287

My friend’s crazy, he left a bunch of chocolate balls on the floor in his cat’s litter box, they’re not that good.

@BobLoblaw143637

“I’m so sick of this life”

* sees preview for next life*

“Yeah.. That’s not gonna work for me either.”

@barfolishus

My cat just meowed and it sounded like he said “ugh” and I’ve never agreed with him more

@mattgallo123

Not to brag, but according to this food packaging I just ate enough fancy cashews to serve 638 people.

@iamburtjarvis

[moving her panties to the side]

HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.

@ticknada

Cops: You were driving while intoxicated

Me: I was in no condition to walk

@NowAPisces

Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”