ME: *falls in love only w/ people who are mean to me* Why does this keep happening
GOD: *points to me* Make that one an idiot
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
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friend: Try this
me[takes drink] It’s wine
friend: Did you detect a hint of anything?
friend: But what did it taste like?
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
– If you insinuate that I’m fat again, I’m leaving you!
– Don’t be selfish, think about the baby.
– What baby?
– Oh, so you’re not pregnant?
Out of curiosity, where were you all thinking of moving after you’re done destroying the Earth? ‘Cause I assume you’ve thought that through.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.