me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
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so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
“The Perfect Relationship”
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Botany good plants lately?
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
My love language is hissing.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Strangers have the best candy.