Before paying a psychic, test them with a surprise punch
Me: “I’d like to withdraw 3 sausages and a packet of peanuts please.”
Man: “That isn’t how a food bank works, sir.”
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Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
TACO BELL EMPLOYEE: can I get a name for the order?
TACO BELL EMPLOYEE: John?
TACO BELL EMPLOYEE: What?
White women are wilding out here
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
5yo: knock knock
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone