@stephenjmolloy

Me: “I’d like to withdraw 3 sausages and a packet of peanuts please.”

Man: “That isn’t how a food bank works, sir.”

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@Shade510

Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.

@FrazzleMyGimp

TACO BELL EMPLOYEE: can I get a name for the order?

ME: Shaun.

TACO BELL EMPLOYEE: John?

ME: Sure.

TACO BELL EMPLOYEE: What?

ME: Jure.

@funnyordie

The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.

@ch000ch

if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”

@philmann

Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.

@PrisonCookies

If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone