Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
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The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…