Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
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Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”