me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
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Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.