Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
You Might Also Like
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
How it started How it’s going
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho