@Glennot73

me: I’d wait a lifetime for you

also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there

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@TheAlexNevil

*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late

*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early

@blairgarner

To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?

@KeetPotato

me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda

@AndyAsAdjective

I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.

@richardmarx

Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.

@meganamram

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

@donni

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself

@RunOldMan

The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.

@Ahm76

My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.

@Divergentmama

How is cow tipping even a thing? If I was a cow, and someone came to tip me, I would just moooooooove.