me: I’d wait a lifetime for you

also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there

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*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late

*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early


To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?


me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda


I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.


Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.


Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name


Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself


The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.


My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.


How is cow tipping even a thing? If I was a cow, and someone came to tip me, I would just moooooooove.