me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
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Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear