One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
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His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.