@kathbarbadoro

Me: IDK why I’m so down lately. Maybe this is an indication that I need to reevaluate the priorities or figure out how to make meaning in my life
My friends: The moon is weird right now
Me: Yeah nevermind it’s definitely because the moon is weird right now

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@T_Bonezzz_

STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET

1) PUT SHEET ON BED

2) FOLD BED

@fro_vo

Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading

@MooseAllain

Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.

@Sean_Burgundy_

Friend: All I want for Christmas is a new blender

Me: Wouldn’t you rather have your life together?

@FU_TangClan

An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.

@Meet_Joe_Cool

Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.

@s_rumer18

at Dick’s, it is a habit of mine to ask customers if they want their items in a bag after they check out.
today, a woman came up to the register with 2 kayaks to buy.
after ringing them up, i looked her dead in the eye and said “would you like these in a bag?”