confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Me: IDK why I’m so down lately. Maybe this is an indication that I need to reevaluate the priorities or figure out how to make meaning in my life
My friends: The moon is weird right now
Me: Yeah nevermind it’s definitely because the moon is weird right now
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What the FU..
(I have a master’s degree)
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives