Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
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My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.