@fro_vo

Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”

Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it

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@Michael1979

My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.

@TheTweetOfGod

‘Twas the day before Christmas, and all through the mall
There were multiple reports of trampling injuries.

@RedRegenerated

ME: What’s that on your wrist?

CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.

ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*

CW: That’s just a regular watch.

ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.

@SteveSackington

I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.

@ArfMeasures

Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one

[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Why is your bio written in English but your tweets written in spaghetti?

@TheMichaelRock

I bet the murder rate is so low in Canada because you have to go 300 miles to find someone to kill.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.

@ShakesREMIX

My surname: ‘Ever.’ My given forename: ‘Superior’. Similar to a torn talofibular ligament, I am not one to be trifled with.