@fro_vo

Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”

Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it

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@caliluvgirl77

him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say

me: same

@LifeUnPinterest

As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.

@Love_bug1016

Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets

ME: Oh wow, me too!

HER: Really?

ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?

@tastefactory

I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up

@SteveKoehler22

Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.

Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.

@Kathleen_McGee

The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together

@Marlebean

“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER

@robdelaney

I have never “cat called” a woman. I go home, paint her from memory & then yell at the painting. It’s called respect.

@MykaFox

You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose