My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
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an octopus is just a wet spider
‘Twas the day before Christmas, and all through the mall
There were multiple reports of trampling injuries.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Why is your bio written in English but your tweets written in spaghetti?
I bet the murder rate is so low in Canada because you have to go 300 miles to find someone to kill.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
My surname: ‘Ever.’ My given forename: ‘Superior’. Similar to a torn talofibular ligament, I am not one to be trifled with.