Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”

Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it

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him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say

me: same


As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.


Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.


[blind date]

HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets

ME: Oh wow, me too!

HER: Really?

ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?


I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up


Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.

Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.


The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together


“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”


I have never “cat called” a woman. I go home, paint her from memory & then yell at the painting. It’s called respect.


You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose