Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
You Might Also Like
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
My work here is done
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent