Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
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This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
The French cow says MEUX…
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Jail
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland