Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
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eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
we all know this pain all too well
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?