First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
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Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’