Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?

7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.

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Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow


I know this social distancing is hard for people – it’s new – it’s difficult and lonely…

But remember…

If Sasquatch can do it…

So can you…


the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve


The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.


At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”


A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.


when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures


Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.


The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.


me on ellen

ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen

me: yeah

*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*

both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt