Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
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I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Mouse
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Something Saturday.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Spotted in New Orleans.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.