@lmegordon

Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?

7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.

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@newLettuce

Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow

@singleplaiddad

I know this social distancing is hard for people – it’s new – it’s difficult and lonely…

But remember…

If Sasquatch can do it…

So can you…

@dog_feelings

the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve

@PinkCamoTO

The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.

@packageoflies

At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”

@IamJackBoot

A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.

@50FirstTates

when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures

@TheWeirdWorld

Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.

@Donna_McCoy

The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.

@jonnysun

me on ellen

ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen

me: yeah

*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*

both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt