ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.

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Mark my words, the amount of candles I’m gonna burn tonight is going to make ISIS think long and hard before doing any more terrorism.


which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills


“Do you believe in evolution?”
“Global warming?”
“Racial Equality?”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”


“the pizza boy is here”
It’s time, I thought, cocking my shotgun. I was sending this half pizza half man abomination straight back to hell


Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.

I ate it.

Then looked for more.


PlayStation: Install update?

Me: what update



No, cough syrup, you’re not grape flavoured. Have you ever tasted a grape? You taste like death and the tears of small children, not grape.


I heard you like bad boys?

*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*



You could probably master Mandarin while waiting on the last bit of laundry detergent to drizzle into the cap.


Target employee: Describe your lost item

Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside