ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
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Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
british sex workers really pound for pound
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.