Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
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this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
I told my vodka about you.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
I didn’t come here to be called names
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away