@smithsara79

Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-

Some guy: Be rich?

Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it

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@thepaulahunt

I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.

@10InchesPlus

“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”

– “We should call it AAAA!”

“You’re fired.”

@mrsjohngoodman

Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok

@AminaMarx

update: the light went out in my fridge so i had to eat everything so it wouldn’t get scared

@iamburtjarvis

me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet

landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”

me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.

landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!

@stevevsninjas

Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.

@mydmac

Diet diary, day 3

I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.

But the cup cakes were amazing.

@bananagrvyrd

So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot

@meganamram

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

@JediGigi

Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.