@not_thenanny

Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.

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@AaronMichael_

Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

@AmishPornStar1

You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…

Yeah, well I ate her.

@Darlainky

I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.

@lottie_fly_x

Me sharing with my toddler: ‘here honey have some of my cookie. In fact have it all’

My toddler sharing with me: *hands me one crumb then screams because she wants it back*

@KyleMcDowell86

Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”

@OfficeofSteve

My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes

@Cryptic1iam

This is an ugly term. This “Stalker”. I prefer unpaid investigator.