Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.

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Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.


You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…

Yeah, well I ate her.


I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.


Me sharing with my toddler: ‘here honey have some of my cookie. In fact have it all’

My toddler sharing with me: *hands me one crumb then screams because she wants it back*


Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”


My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes


This is an ugly term. This “Stalker”. I prefer unpaid investigator.