@AaronMichael_
Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
@not_thenanny
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
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@AaronMichael_
@AmishPornStar1
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
@Darlainky
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
@rebrafsim
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
@lottie_fly_x
Me sharing with my toddler: ‘here honey have some of my cookie. In fact have it all’
My toddler sharing with me: *hands me one crumb then screams because she wants it back*
@WilliamAder
It’s 2020. You have a favorite brand of vaccine.
@UncleDuke1969
found my next D&D character name
@KyleMcDowell86
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
@OfficeofSteve
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
@Cryptic1iam
This is an ugly term. This “Stalker”. I prefer unpaid investigator.