Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
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You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Me sharing with my toddler: ‘here honey have some of my cookie. In fact have it all’
My toddler sharing with me: *hands me one crumb then screams because she wants it back*
It’s 2020. You have a favorite brand of vaccine.
found my next D&D character name
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
This is an ugly term. This “Stalker”. I prefer unpaid investigator.